ERP 507: The Power of Attention: How to Access What Really Matters in Moments of Conflict — An Interview with Dana Caspersen

Why do the smallest disagreements with loved ones sometimes feel like the fiercest battles? Conflict in relationships often spirals into unproductive cycles of attack and defense, leaving us stuck, misunderstood, and further apart from the connection we crave. We rush to defend, strategize, and fix—yet rarely pause long enough to truly understand what matters beneath the surface. In this episode, listeners are invited to explore powerful strategies for breaking the cycle of reactivity and shifting attention toward curiosity, clarity, and genuine understanding. Through personal stories, actionable principles, and practical guidance, the conversation uncovers how paying attention to our underlying needs, emotions, interests, and habitual responses can foster a more constructive, compassionate, and collaborative approach to navigating conflict. By learning to differentiate between strategies and the needs they serve, listeners gain the tools to create meaningful change, deepen intimacy, and transform even the stickiest conflicts into opportunities for growth. Dana Caspersen is a conflict engagement specialist, best-selling author, TEDx speaker, and award-winning performing artist. She works with individuals, organizations, and communities worldwide as a trainer, coach, consultant, and dialogue designer. Drawing on the knowledge and insight gained from her experience as a mediator and conflict analyst and her 40-year career as a performing arts innovator, Dana empowers people and organizations to navigate complex and challenging situations. Conflict Is an Opportunity is her newest book.   Episode Highlights 04:22 How our bodies react and impact communication. 09:25 Moving from attack-defense to understanding in conflict. 13:22 The impact of unmet needs in relationship conflict. 14:22 Distinguishing needs, emotions, interests, and strategies. 18:16 Creating a supportive relationship culture for navigating conflict. 23:15 The importance of internal clarification before addressing issues. 24:50 Practicing curiosity and validation during difficult interactions. 28:35 Managing communication triggers and acknowledging emotions. 33:32 Intentional connection and embodied curiosity in conflict resolution. 36:07 Safety, attachment, and speaking from interests instead of vulnerabilities. 38:06 Conscious decision-making and the role of requests in conflict. 42:46 Applying conflict skills across all relationships and areas of life.   Your Checklist of Actions to Take Before addressing conflict, take a moment to breathe, relax, and bring your attention inward so you can respond rather than react. Pay attention to your body's stress signals—like a tight neck or jaw—and consciously shift to a more open, relaxed posture to support curiosity and connection. Redirect your attention away from attack and defense; instead, get genuinely curious about what your partner is feeling and what matters to them. Start conversations by acknowledging your partner's feelings and concerns to disarm defensiveness and open up constructive dialogue. Recognize that requests or strategies (like asking your partner to be home by 8) often mask deeper needs (such as intimacy or security), and talk about those underlying needs instead. Approach your partner with open-ended requests rather than demands, creating space for true dialogue and collaboration. Use your emotions as a clue to uncover your real needs and interests, then express those clearly and kindly to your partner. Expect that conflict will arise and discuss with your partner how you'll address it—having a shared mindset helps you get back on track when things get heated.   Mentioned Conflict Is an Opportunity (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Changing the Conversation: The 17 Principles of Conflict Resolution (*Amazon Affiliate link) (book) Conflict is a place of possibility (TedX Talks) (YouTube link) (video) Your Body Language May Shape Who You Are (TED) (YouTube link) (video) Gottman Institute Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) (*Psychology Today) (link) 12 Relationship Principles to Strengthen Your Love (free guide)   Connect with Dana Caspersen Website: danacaspersen.com Facebook: facebook.com/DanaCaspersen Instagram: instagram.com/dcaspersen LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/dana-caspersen